Ok, God....I got it!!!

I have been wanting to post about this and seem to keep putting it off.  I guess in a way I didn't want to admit that it has really and truly happened.  Still doesn't officially seem like something that is real and tangible yet.  Guess I better fill everyone in on just exactly what it is I am talking about...lol.

Friday I was scheduled to sing the National Anthem for Relay for Life.  I got ready and got Cade ready.  Ryan asked me several times if I practiced the song..lol.  My reply to that was, "If I have to 'practice' the National Anthem maybe I should check myself..lol".  Anyway, we got there and met my mom and grandparents, aunts and some cousins.  This is pretty routine for us to go to RFL each year since my grandparents are both cancer survivors for a combined remission average of about 20 or more years.  I'm so proud of them for beating this terrible disease!!!  What I didn't expect is what happened just before I took the stage.....

Several posts ago I let you guys in on some pretty intimate details of my past.  I told the story of my mom being married before, that guy being my biological father, he died, my mom remarried and eventually told me all the horrid details of her experiences during that time in her life.  I also spoke of developing lots of anger that I buried under years of denial and trying hard to forget.  God never let me forget.....seriously, never.  Every now and again I would think of "those people" that were my relatives that I didn't want to have anything to do with anymore.  I didn't ever want to have to explain to Cade about "them" nor did I ever want to have to deal with what MIGHT happen if "they" ever came back into my life now that I had a kid.  

Well, over the summer, I guess, God began to revive some things that I thought I had effectively buried and gotten out of my life.  I, of course, denied anything that He was leading me to do and buried it again.  HE WOULDN'T LET ME.  He was calling me to let go of my anger, forgive, apologize, get in touch.....but, how?

You know, we live in a digital age..lol.  I have no excuse.  I can easily google anyone I want.  This is where "nothing is secret" kind of comes in handy....is that even a good statement to make?  You can pretty much find out anything about anybody over the internet.  I had no excuse!!  I looked them up...but didn't call.  I knew where they lived and just chose not to call.  

F E A R ! ! ! ! ! ! !

So....fast forward to about a week before RFL.  I had a really, really strong urge to just call.  I was feeling bold and in a really good mood.  I went to the computer, looked them up, and picked up the phone.  I couldn't dial the number.  I physically couldn't do it.  Not sure why....I chickened out.

M O R E   F E A R ! ! ! ! !

RFL....right before I took the stage.....

I felt a tap on my shoulder.  I turned and saw for the first time in 18 years the one person I never expected to see.....Peggy Brown (this is my dead father's mother).  The one person I have been so angry with for so long.  The one person that I have yet to forgive in my life.  The one person I need to apologize to and get answers from.

Ok, God....I got it!!!

I put it off, and put it off, and put it off....until God finally had enough of my laziness.  He brought her to me.  "If you aren't gonna seize what I'm about to show you then I'm gonna drop it in your lap."

Was I shocked????  That's an understatement.

I hugged her and asked how she was doing.  I introduced her to Ryan and Cade.  I was able to tell her that I have been meaning to call and didn't.  I told her I was sorry for staying away for so long and she said the same.  I told her that I have been angry and she said, "I know.  I understand."  I told her I wanted to talk to her and there were things to say and answers to get and she said, "I know that too."

WOW....this is huge!!  I got her phone number (now I really have no excuse..lol) and told her I promised to call and try to get together with her sometime to talk.  

Ok, so what does this mean?  Well, God called me to do something that I didn't do....I just big fat didn't do it.  He got tired of my hem-hawing around about it and just decided to drop it in my lap.  Can it get clearer than that?  I don't think so....lol.  I told Ryan as we walked out of the gate at RFL, "Well, now I'm gonna be looking for what it is He has been wanting to do in my life....because now the one thing that has been holding me back from Him being able to purely, truly work in my life is now revealed and taken care of (although the relationship still needs to be rebuilt)."  

What is it that He will do?  Guess I will just have to keep my eyes open!!!