well...it finally happened...my season has ended...

I have been a little uncomfortable lately...for a number of reasons.  I guess I should start by saying that I have worked with HBC youth for about 8 years or so and up until about a year ago I have loved, loved, loved every single minute of every single event I have ever been a part of.  Last summer, though, I felt God say, "You don't belong here anymore."  This was not a new thing for me.  I kind of already had the urging that I should begin to sever ties and move on with my ministry....I just didn't do it....I was in direct disobedience.  I went my own way.....boy, was this a mistake....

So last summer I went to camp with the teenagers....thinking it was gonna be a great time and kind of knowing in the back of my mind that it would be my last but I put that aside.  I was MISERABLE!!  When I say miserable I literally mean that I felt God very little in the whole week.  I was far from Him.  Again, disobedient.  Anyway, I tried so hard to rejoice when everyone else rejoiced, but inside I was just churning with "I shouldn't even be here".  The whole week was an emotional experience for me because I knew that this was my last year and that I pushed farther than God wanted me to....I was literally a wreck...lol.

After camp was over I began to feel God say, "You need to begin the separation."  So I made the decision that camp the next summer would be a big NO and that I should maybe begin to attend the young adult Bible study on Sunday nights.  I stopped going to many of the youth functions and began to separate myself from what I had known for so long.  I felt some burden begin to lift off my shoulders.  Although God was calling me to let go completely I held on to a small part...a tiny part...God wouldn't mind, right?  Maybe He was calling me to give up everything but this one little thing...Sunday School.  I have taught high school girls SS for so long I can't even remember what class I should ACTUALLY be in...lol...that's a long time.  I have left a piece of myself there....more like a chunk...lol.  I held on too tightly to something that was already slipping through my fingers like sand.  The more I tried to hold on the more it slipped away. 

Finally, I have given it up...completely.  I am no longer associated with the youth of HBC.  My ministry has moved on to something completely different...somewhere I never imagined myself being involved in before.....children.  I have one more Sunday in the youth (the last Sunday in March) and after that I will begin attending my own age class with friends that I haven't had relationships with for many years.  It's really, really exciting.

I always said that when it was my time to move on I would bow out gracefully.  Although the fight was there to hang on to what I thought I wanted I am bowing out with dignity and on good terms.  God has made it incredibly easy to tell people that I won't be their teacher anymore...and, although it is painful to leave what I've known for so long and invested so much in I know that whatever God is up to in the youth department I'm not a part of it....and I'm ok with that.  

My prayer is simply this...words from the song "Hosanna"

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause

As I walk from life into Eternity

Oh, God, as I walk though my life help me to look past what I want to see and what I want to do and see what YOU want me to see and what YOU want me to do.  Help me to be the person who listens to Your voice and is broken for what breaks your heart.  Help me not to hold on to something so tightly that I forget to see the things in life that you want me to see.

Please pray for me.