more to the story...

Welp...today I had lunch with my grandma and grandpa (my mom's mom and dad). I love spending time with them. They are probably the two most incredibly wise people that I have ever had the privelege to know. Before I went over I knew what I wanted to talk to them about but didn't know how to bring it up. For some odd reason I have found myself always just making small talk and never getting "real" with them. So here was where I wanted to start. I wanted to talk to them about Bobby....you, know...my father who died before I ever knew him. Yeah, I wanted to hear their side of the story. Something that I've learned from being in youth ministry is every story has two sides and you can't just sit and listen to one side of a story and make an informed decision. LOL...anyway, so before I really had to sit and wonder how to bring up the subject my grandma started talking about something that totally led into the conversation that I wanted to have. TOTALLY GOD-ORDAINED by the way. So as we sat and talked I began to see a different side of the story (I knew it was there). I began to see someone who was just confused. He was into drugs and just couldn't think straight. He truly did love my mom and me and just couldn't seem to dig himself out of the hole he found himself in. Ok...well, that's fine and all, but I still have this terrible hurt in my heart because I'm so mad. I'm just mad and bitter. I still can't seem to find the way to let it go. And, by the way, I'm still really angry at Peggy, my grandmother (Bobby's mother).



As I sat and shared my heart, my grandpa stopped me and said something so simple. He said, "If you will just give it all to the Lord and let Him guide you, He will open the door for you to fix the wrong." How simple!! This is a fundamental truth that I have been taught all my life. I need to do this. I want to...but, I don't. Does that make sense? My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.

Needless to say, that is where I am. I have to find the strength to go through with the actual "I need to appologize. I need to forgive you" thing. I have wasted so much time being angry and 'pretending' that this didn't exist in my life and not recognizing that this was an issue. I have no excuse. I have the internet...and nothing is hidden when you have the internet..lol...I know where the people live and where Bobby is buried. I need to do the actual act and make things right. I HAVE TO! If I don't then this will be the one thing that will fester in my heart. This will be the one thing that God will have to keep passing me through the fire to get rid of. It may take the rest of my life, but if I am not willing He cannot use me.

Please continue to pray for me. I cannot do this alone.