Ahem...so here goes...
I promised in my last post that I would begin trying to put into words the things that God has been teaching me. It has been a looooong process and I know He is not done with this lesson. I guess I have to start at the beginning....
My mother is a woman I love and respect, dearly. She is someone who I admire and trust wholeheartedly. She is someone who has been through some junk in her life and deserves a medal for surviving, if there is such a thing. But that's her testimony...I will begin with me. I was born January 11, 1978 to Robert and Linda Brown. I knew my father for one year before he died of a drug overdose (which I still have questions about...questions I will not have answered until God can tell me...but, by the time I get to heaven I probably won't care anymore..lol). From here my mother raised me with the help of her parents and sisters. She was greiving the loss of her EX-husband and trying hard to overcome her past. At work one day she received papers summoning her to court on the grounds of "legal visitation rights to the paternal grandparents". Let me start by telling you that my mother never had any thoughts of keeping me away from Bobby's family. She was just living her life and trying to raise a child. She had already met my dad, Doug Estes, and they were dating and had serious plans to marry. She went to court and they ordered that I had to visit once a month until I turned 18. Fine. That's what I did. I didn't think anything of any of this. I just thought it normal that I had three sets of grandparents. I thought everyone did. I was saved when I was 12. I began to have a desire to be in church and not miss. I began asking questions that my mom could not answer without telling me the truth of what had happened to her. It wasn't till much later that she told me everything. I learned of things that made me EXTREMELY bitter toward the Browns and didn't desire to be anywhere near them. I didn't want to visit anymore and I didn't want to do anything about it. I was mad. I stopped visiting when I was thirteen. They let it go.
I put all this on a back burner...to simmer. You may remember this from a previous post as well. This is what was simmering.
I met Ryan. We dated. We got married. We had a baby. I NEVER gave that part of my past any thought at all. I told Ryan about it cause, I mean, come on...lol...he has a right to know everything about me and I withhold nothing from him. Then, one day, two years after Cade has been born my mom comes to me and tells me that there is someone who works with her that knows Bobby's sister. I'm like, "What did you just say?" She was like, "yeah, she just came out and told me that she knew her and I told her MY side of what happened". You have to understand that this hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately became angry. I looked my mom straight in the eye and told her, "do NOT give them pictures of my son. I do NOT want them to have anything to do with him, whatsoever." Boy, was that mean or what? I'm telling you, I don't think I've ever been so angry. Several days after this happened I began to have thoughts about "what if they come and do the same thing to me that they did to my mom?"
This is where God began to deal with me. I began to see that a bitterness had taken root in my heart. I was cold and angry like I had never been before. How did I miss this? How had I let it go on this long? What other relationships has this affected? Let me just tell you that it affected many relationships in my past...relationships that I cannot get back to appologize about. Friendships that I abandoned, people that I indirectly disliked because of something they did to someone else....the list can go on and on. The point is this: If God is going to use me don't I have to be cleansed of ALL impurities? I have to get rid of them all. Not just the ones I want to get rid of. I have to let go of all of those skeletons before I can truly become more like Christ. This is the biggest one. I have to learn how to let it go before He can use me. I still struggle with it. This is a big problem for me because my spirit says "let it go" and my flesh says "I don't want to". I really don't want to. Please pray for me. Now, you know who I really am.
More on how God is teaching me as I can share it....this was hard to share.
My mother is a woman I love and respect, dearly. She is someone who I admire and trust wholeheartedly. She is someone who has been through some junk in her life and deserves a medal for surviving, if there is such a thing. But that's her testimony...I will begin with me. I was born January 11, 1978 to Robert and Linda Brown. I knew my father for one year before he died of a drug overdose (which I still have questions about...questions I will not have answered until God can tell me...but, by the time I get to heaven I probably won't care anymore..lol). From here my mother raised me with the help of her parents and sisters. She was greiving the loss of her EX-husband and trying hard to overcome her past. At work one day she received papers summoning her to court on the grounds of "legal visitation rights to the paternal grandparents". Let me start by telling you that my mother never had any thoughts of keeping me away from Bobby's family. She was just living her life and trying to raise a child. She had already met my dad, Doug Estes, and they were dating and had serious plans to marry. She went to court and they ordered that I had to visit once a month until I turned 18. Fine. That's what I did. I didn't think anything of any of this. I just thought it normal that I had three sets of grandparents. I thought everyone did. I was saved when I was 12. I began to have a desire to be in church and not miss. I began asking questions that my mom could not answer without telling me the truth of what had happened to her. It wasn't till much later that she told me everything. I learned of things that made me EXTREMELY bitter toward the Browns and didn't desire to be anywhere near them. I didn't want to visit anymore and I didn't want to do anything about it. I was mad. I stopped visiting when I was thirteen. They let it go.
I put all this on a back burner...to simmer. You may remember this from a previous post as well. This is what was simmering.
I met Ryan. We dated. We got married. We had a baby. I NEVER gave that part of my past any thought at all. I told Ryan about it cause, I mean, come on...lol...he has a right to know everything about me and I withhold nothing from him. Then, one day, two years after Cade has been born my mom comes to me and tells me that there is someone who works with her that knows Bobby's sister. I'm like, "What did you just say?" She was like, "yeah, she just came out and told me that she knew her and I told her MY side of what happened". You have to understand that this hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately became angry. I looked my mom straight in the eye and told her, "do NOT give them pictures of my son. I do NOT want them to have anything to do with him, whatsoever." Boy, was that mean or what? I'm telling you, I don't think I've ever been so angry. Several days after this happened I began to have thoughts about "what if they come and do the same thing to me that they did to my mom?"
This is where God began to deal with me. I began to see that a bitterness had taken root in my heart. I was cold and angry like I had never been before. How did I miss this? How had I let it go on this long? What other relationships has this affected? Let me just tell you that it affected many relationships in my past...relationships that I cannot get back to appologize about. Friendships that I abandoned, people that I indirectly disliked because of something they did to someone else....the list can go on and on. The point is this: If God is going to use me don't I have to be cleansed of ALL impurities? I have to get rid of them all. Not just the ones I want to get rid of. I have to let go of all of those skeletons before I can truly become more like Christ. This is the biggest one. I have to learn how to let it go before He can use me. I still struggle with it. This is a big problem for me because my spirit says "let it go" and my flesh says "I don't want to". I really don't want to. Please pray for me. Now, you know who I really am.
More on how God is teaching me as I can share it....this was hard to share.
Comments
Please know that I'm praying for you as you work through this. I'm praying that you will feel constant encouragement from the Holy Spirit, and that He will give you a glimpse of how He will use this in your life.
James 1:2-4, my friend.
Thanks for sharing. It gives me peace to know that I am not the only person that is hiding hurts and a not so pleasant past. There are so many that hide their pain and anger beneath a beautiful and tough exterior.
In Christ,
Stacy