Surrender...really?

It's really cold outside today!! I guess I didn't realize it was gonna be so cold and windy. Of course, I guess if I watched the news on occasion I would know these things, right? LOL...oh, well. On to my "stuff".

Seems to me that ever since the storm everything is just still messed up. I guess I thought that once I got through one cycle of my bills that everything would just go back to normal, but somewhere along the way I am still off..lol. I can't seem to figure it out. I have enough money and I am not late on anything, but it's just off. If you do the bills in your family you probably know what I mean. Anyway...

Yesterday morning at church we sung "Surrender". It's a praise and worship song that I have come to love and cherish in my heart. Although some may not like it, because it repeats over and over, I really have come to love it. The words are simply this:

I'm giving you my heart and all that is within

I lay it all down for the sake of you my King.

I'm giving you my dreams I'm laying down my rights

I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life.

And I surrender all to you...all to you.

and I surrender all to you...all to you.

I'm singing you this song I'm waiting at the cross

and all the worlds holds dear I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing you for the glory of your Name

to know the lasting joy even sharing in your pain.

and I surrender all to you....all to you

and I surrender all to you...all to you.

As I stood there singing these words I asked myself...truly...can I sing this? Am I truly giving God my whole heart? Am I truly laying down my rights? Giving up my pride? Am I TRULY surrendering ALL to Him? I had to stop singing. In my heart there are still things that I don't want to surrender. I don't want to give up. I don't want to surrender control.

W H Y ? ? ?

I haven't truly figured out why? Am I truly not trusting that He can help me forgive? Am I just being stubborn? Am I just truly that controlling? Why can't I fully surrender all to Him and allow Him to free me of the bondage that I have allowed myself to be in for so long? I already know that's what He has called me to do and somehow I can't seem to let it go...WOW. As a Sunday School teacher I have taught my teenagers that the past is in the past...forgive and move on. Hmmm...easier said than done, right? I should take my own advice.

Seems that the more I pour out in words the more I learn about what God is teaching me and how He is shaping me. I told Ryan the other day that I am being passed through the fire and being purified. All the ugliness and impurities are rising up to the surface and, oh, my...I don't like what is coming out..lol. Pray for me.