I opened the door....now, God is cleaning out my closet!!

Ok...so here goes.....

Monday I made the long awaited phone call....again...lol.  I called a close friend of mine who works for Jefferson County in the way of "advocate for children".  I'm actually not sure what she does EXACTLY but I knew she would know the answer to my question.  I called her up and asked her if the Brown's would have any right to Cade whatsoever if any case were to arise.  She said no, not in the state of Texas.  Grandparent rights do not exist here unless parents are proven to be unfit or dead....which I am neither....ummmm, at least that's what I think...I'm not dead, lol, and I'm pretty sure I'm not an unfit mother.....anyway, I digress.

Anyway, after I hung up with my friend and my fears were a little bit lessened I dialed the number to Peggy.  She answered.....

Ok, at this point in the whole scheme of things I was a little grateful that she answered and also a little scared.  We began a conversation of sorts....how are you?  how have things been?  do you work?  how is life?  You know, those sorts of casual things.  Then, we began talking about her husband, my deceased grandfather (who by the way was a raging alcoholic when I knew him so long ago).  She told me how after I stopped visiting he became even worse.  He would drink himself silly all day long....until he passed out on the bed at night.  Wow...what a life, right?  I felt sorry for her at this point having to put up with someone like this.  She took care of him, though and explained that it was good that I quit going because she didn't want me to ever see him the way he was.  He died a few years after I stopped visiting them from what I assume to be alcohol poisoning.  She had put him in a nursing home and several hospital stays showed he had a crystalized liver from all the drinking.  

Thank you, Lord for watching over me!!!  Thank you for seeing beyond what I could see to protect me!!

The longer we talked the more I realized that she doesn't actually know much about anything that my mom endured.  I explained how hurt my mom was/is and how angry we all were with what Bobby did to her/us.  She said she didn't know a lot but always loved her and didn't know what happened between them (Peggy and mom).  I asked if there ever could be an opportunity for the three of us to sit down and allow my mom to tell her what she endured.  She said that would be ok.  We talked and talked and talked.  We remembered and cried.  It was nice.  She continued on telling me that she loved me and missed me and would be ok if I wanted her in my life, but was ok if I didn't.  A lot of my fears were relieved in the conversation that went on for more than an hour.  It was actually nice.  As I hung up the phone with her she said, "I love you."  As an impulse I said, "I love you, too," but as I pushed the button on the phone to hang up I thought to myself, "I don't love you.  I just lied to you."  Hmmm...pray for that please....I haven't had a relationship with this person for 18 years and for so long she has loved me and I have spent all that time being angry and trying to forget...therefore pushing the "love" out.  I don't love her....at least not the way she loves me.  Wow....I still have a long way to go, right?

Anyway, I immediately called my mom.  I told her everything we talked about and what I thought was the next move.  Incredibly my mom agreed with me...I honestly didn't think she would, but she did.  The next move is for me to coordinate a meeting between me, my mother, and Peggy so we can clear the air...let some things out....reveal the ugly....clean out our closets.  We (my mom and I) have kept a lot of things under wraps for a long time.  This isn't something I really enjoy talking about....it's embarassing, it's horrifying, it's ugly!!!  I don't want people to know this side of my life.  That's why I spent so much time trying hard to forget.  But, I'm tired of pretending this didn't happen to me.  

My sweet, wise grandmother (my mother's mother) told me this...."It DID happen.  This IS your past.  It would kill me not to be able to see my grandchildren and you are her only one.  How do you think she feels? How do you think it makes her feel to know that she has a great-grandson that she has never met?"  Well, grandma, I didn't think about that.  This was the turning point in my anger...this was the pivotal moment that I knew that God was calling me to make contact or I would forever regret the fact that I kept all this stupid sin locked up in my closet and didn't allow Jesus to fully wipe the cobwebs clean.

Well, the door is unlocked and swung wide open.  All my hidden anger and rage are spilling out all over the floor and Jesus is looking at it and saying, "Thank you for letting it go.   Now, let me clean all this up for you.  I want to."  And with His mighty hands He is picking it up and saying, "FORGIVEN...gone, FORGIVEN...gone, FORGIVEN...gone."

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!    Do I feel better????    You betcha!!!   I should have listened a long time ago.  Thanks for all my friends encouraging words to just go for it.