Here I go again....
I've been feeling a little unsettled lately. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm sure it started about a week or so ago. The new year started, Cade had a birthday...then I had a birthday....and now Ayden is about to have a birthday. I get really excited about our birthdays because of how closely they fall. It's a little stressful for me trying to figure out what to do for the boys for their special days, but I usually just do stuff that makes them feel special....instead of throwing huge blowout parties.
But the unsettled feeling has set up residence in the pit of my stomach recently and I just can't shake it. I haven't been able to put my finger on it....then it hit me today....
A week ago I had to go down to my zoned school and pick up paperwork for my youngest son to enroll him into Kindergarten....KINDERGARTEN! Seriously, I can't even handle this right now. My baby, my Ayden, will be starting KINDERGARTEN in the fall. How is this even possible? Anyway, I picked up the paperwork and came home to fill it out. Like most things, it got laid on the counter and forgotten until the next day. I picked up the papers and had intended to fill them out in my down-time at MDO while my one-yr-olds napped. I began filling out the papers and immediately stopped....I physically couldn't go forward with the paperwork process. I whined to my friend who works with me for the thousandth time that day about having to fill out these papers and "how can my baby be starting Kindergarten?" She was like, "I know...you keep saying that." LOL
I still haven't finished filling out the papers.
Now, let me just say...I know I'm not the first mom to ever have to send her child to Kindergarten and I know that I will be standing on the other side of this upcoming battle with my emotions one day encouraging someone else who will be sending their baby off to "big school", but right now I feel so very alone in this whole situation. I feel O-L-D. How did time pass so quickly?
My heart hurts for how little these babies were. And, oh my goodness, so stinkin' cute! God has truly been so good to Ryan and me. Our children have been healthy, happy, and, for the most part, fairly compliant. I second guess the word "compliant" only because if you've ever met my Ayden you might think that "compliant" was the farthest thing from what he is...LOL. Even at my very first doppler exam (to hear the heartbeat of my small peanut) I had to go have an emergency ultrasound to be sure he was alive. He was very uncooperative even in-utero.
Two weeks ago Cade turned 9 and tomorrow Ayden will turn 5.....can I just cry right now? I said it before and I'll say it again....how did time go by so quickly? How much time have I wasted? How many opportunities have I allowed to pass me by that I could've been savoring the details? Geez....too many to count. I always have heard people say, "Don't blink! Savor every moment! Before you can turn around they will be all grown up!" Well, mine aren't all grown up yet, but I still feel like I've focused so much time on moving or church or vacations or laundry or cooking or...just whatever....that I've allowed myself to watch the time tick away and pass me by. I wonder sometimes if I've been the best mom to them that I can be. Have I taken the time to invest in their tender hearts the love of Jesus? Have I taken the opportunities to just sit quietly with them? Have I been enough of a nurturer to them? Am I a good mother? Am I enough for them?
And now....look at them!
But the unsettled feeling has set up residence in the pit of my stomach recently and I just can't shake it. I haven't been able to put my finger on it....then it hit me today....
A week ago I had to go down to my zoned school and pick up paperwork for my youngest son to enroll him into Kindergarten....KINDERGARTEN! Seriously, I can't even handle this right now. My baby, my Ayden, will be starting KINDERGARTEN in the fall. How is this even possible? Anyway, I picked up the paperwork and came home to fill it out. Like most things, it got laid on the counter and forgotten until the next day. I picked up the papers and had intended to fill them out in my down-time at MDO while my one-yr-olds napped. I began filling out the papers and immediately stopped....I physically couldn't go forward with the paperwork process. I whined to my friend who works with me for the thousandth time that day about having to fill out these papers and "how can my baby be starting Kindergarten?" She was like, "I know...you keep saying that." LOL
I still haven't finished filling out the papers.
Now, let me just say...I know I'm not the first mom to ever have to send her child to Kindergarten and I know that I will be standing on the other side of this upcoming battle with my emotions one day encouraging someone else who will be sending their baby off to "big school", but right now I feel so very alone in this whole situation. I feel O-L-D. How did time pass so quickly?
Two weeks ago Cade turned 9 and tomorrow Ayden will turn 5.....can I just cry right now? I said it before and I'll say it again....how did time go by so quickly? How much time have I wasted? How many opportunities have I allowed to pass me by that I could've been savoring the details? Geez....too many to count. I always have heard people say, "Don't blink! Savor every moment! Before you can turn around they will be all grown up!" Well, mine aren't all grown up yet, but I still feel like I've focused so much time on moving or church or vacations or laundry or cooking or...just whatever....that I've allowed myself to watch the time tick away and pass me by. I wonder sometimes if I've been the best mom to them that I can be. Have I taken the time to invest in their tender hearts the love of Jesus? Have I taken the opportunities to just sit quietly with them? Have I been enough of a nurturer to them? Am I a good mother? Am I enough for them?
And now....look at them!
Thank you, Lord, for giving me the opportunity to be their mom. Forgive me for squandering time and not taking every opportunity to soak up every bit of who these kids are. I do my very best to be who they need me to be, and sometimes, I feel like it just isn't enough. Thank you for reminding me, though, of the wonderfulness that my children are. You have created them with a purpose and my job is to focus their attention on You so that when You call their hearts they respond to You.
YOU ARE ENOUGH....You're more than enough....You will always be enough. You are enough for them and You are enough for me.....therefore, I don't have to worry about being enough.....because YOU.ARE.ENOUGH.
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